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[SMALL THOUGHT] I Think Politic is Just Like Depression

For a start, this post will not specifically address the most HIP and TRENDY political situations happened in Indonesia, it is more or less just a wistful thinking.

I’m not a fan of political world, to begin with. Politics are something that can only be understood when you are involved and invested greatly in it. As a mere commoner, all of these and those going in political stage is almost like an act; a theatrical happening.

However, at this particular afternoon, I stumble upon this video that talked about depression. How this person handle her depression well enough to live further despite all the unfortunate circumstances. This sounds horribly disconnected with politics but, strangely, it’s not that disconnected inside my brain.

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Depression is something that wormed inside your head. It’s slick, it’s slippery, also vicious. When you get under its veil, every single thing in this world will be robbed from their color and you will feel very alone, very sad, very unworthy. If this happened for a long time, it’s not uncommon to think about suicide.

Politics, in the other hand, wormed up inside a country and also became a veil that you can’t get rid of. Because once they started, everything will fall like and endless play of domino stacks. When you get offended, you offend back. When you get attacked, you attack back. There are hardly any other way. Do you think a country will destroy itself when its get out of hand? Does anybody will go out and wipe out the entire civilization to get rid of this?

As this Youtuber talked about the depression she still need to overcome, she also said that while you can suppress the bad thought when depressed, you cannot get rid of it completely. Even if you get therapy and declared clean, it can always come back to you as you encounter another frustrating event in your life. This is why, rather than denying that you have a depression, it will only benefit you if you accept the reality that you have a depression and you accept to live with it forever. So, trying to get rid of it will not get you any good, it will only drive you to another insanity. Instead, try to formulate the best way to RESPONSE when it happens.

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It needs practice, a lot of practice, but you cannot give up because this is the life that you live. That is in anyway just like me, a mere commoner, who live in a country with hot-and-cold political situation; to small to just go there and put balance in everything. I hardly understand the issues, I hardly want to even read the news because of that. However, I accept that it’s something that is bound to happen in any country. I think, it’s the perk of being in a higher ground: being a politician is, I mean. The perk of being in a lower ground is, of course, ignorance. HA.

Well, you know, what we need to practice more is how we should stop to be provoked by this political issues; to see how a problem stood the ground from many angles. This is the hardest thing to do because you will find media blowing the news (or not-so-news) around that make us confused whether we need to believe or not. I even have got to this point where I read news as if it’s a novel. I never consider it true because I don’t see it with my own eyes and hear it with my own ears. There are always a chance that the news are made to defame character. So rather than believing in them, I read them as a supplement; something fictional based on true story. I play detective by seeing it from any angle, putting up all the puzzle on my own.

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Indonesia is not bad, I think. I have long started to accept that I live in this kind of country, in this kind of world. The only thing that I can do is to see the positive side of everything. How do you stay insane with all of this crazy stunts? How do you cope with all the news and hoaxes in your country?

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[SMALL THOUGHT] QOTY: When will You Get Married?

No, it’s not just another rants. It’s an educational rants. (WHAT?)

And, no, I’m not getting married… yet.

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To be honest, I never thought that this question will be my designated Question of the Year; and it’s still the eight day of February. It’s kind of funny but also very relatable.

There is this kind of conception in Indonesia that asking people whether they are gonna get married is, by any means, not rude nor offending nor invading someone’s privacy. In fact, this is a common question that is asked to you to open a conversation; like… in everyday life. LOL.

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Of course, this typical question has also spurs depression for people who is not married yet (and if you are in your thirties; well, you are doomed) and made people desperate to look for someone to be asked of marriage. Like, you just want to get married just because you want to get rid of people of asking you this question, hahaha. No, it’s not something saddening, of course. Whatever life you live is your own.

And whatever life I live is my own.

Like any other people in my age, I also get this question. Not a lot, per se, but it is also getting more frequent by day. The funny thing is, this pressure does not come from my own family (not from my mother, nor father, nor sister) and not even from my extended family (my aunts, my uncles: all are cool with it) but from my mom’s friends (you know, mothers do meddle in people affair  harder than their own) and from my friends (which is understandable because they care about my well-being).

Fortunately, this never get into me. In fact, I don’t really think about it. Like, it’s way on the back of my mind and will only resurface when someone asked. It’s only in the surface for a while. As soon as the topic is changed, I forget about it immediately. (I wonder if it’s a bad thing… LOL.)

Like human bound to be death anytime, some people also bound to be married too. However, I’ve been unfamiliar with common conception happened in my surrounding as I bury myself in my room working. Contrary to what people think about me, I don’t read that much too but I build my own perspective in “How to Move Forward in Life”. My own lifeline, my own life preserver. I also feel very disconnected with others.

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In my head, I never put myself inside the boxes. I never categorized myself as a young woman or an old one. I never see myself as an adult or a childish one. I don’t mind when people called me selfish or egoistic. I don’t mind if people take me as an unforgiving person or revengeful. My life without these imaginary boxes become very easy-going, very free.

With this disconnection, I get very aware that what is going on in my head and perception is not in line with others. Hence when people started to fuss about my date of marriage, I don’t even think about it (or contemplate about it).

I also not yet experiencing what is like to be falling in love. Love between man and woman is something that is very mysterious to me. How people care to each other in that kind of intimate level is very strange, very… hard to understand. How can you actually live your life to live with someone else and be devoted to him and to take care of him while taking care of yourself and your home and probably your children? Sometimes I think about it and found it very… scary, in lack of a better word.

This is also the reason of me being super-skeptical when people offer me to be introduced with certain guys. Like, srsly, without the needed preamble; they just give me this small snippet of a guy and his close family, added with something like “he’s a good man, very kind, and also has a very stable income you will never starved!”

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Well, okay…

Well, I mean… I’m not offended really but it’s like you, as my friend, look at me as a girl that can be bought with a good income. Like, srsly. What is his good quality? What are his good habit? Is he a romantic? Is he good with kids? Does he snore? Does he bad in arranging his own closet? Does he hate to take a bath? Does he love to do charity? Does he religious? Does he have an open mind? What does he do when he have a spare time? How about his family? I don’t ask you, guys, to give some CVs and proposal letters; but please have some semblance of sense. I’m gonna marry him (for the rest of my life) and all of his family is in the package; not his income. -_-

I never see marriage as an easy-peasy thing. You got to do it when you are ready, not when you are forced to be ready or when you are in shame. You need to be devoted too, and all that jazz come from your sincere heart. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m ready yet. Fortunately, I’m keeping an open mind over this matter too.

Like, I probably get sold if he talks about books or games, or anime (HA!) or talks about anything without being pretentious. If he has an open mind, respect for other opinions, and also a big heart; well, I probably get sold too. HAHAHAH. I’m not gonna enjoy any conversation when a man seriously BOAST about his life achievement all day long. Such a turn-off. There are many thing to talk about, why do you need to boast about yourself that much. Man, we can talk about whether the Earth is flat or not, we can also talk about the place you wanted to travel the most.

Anyway, do you think the Earth is flat? Why not? HAHAHA.

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P.S.

No. This is not an invitation for you, guys, to shoved your friends on me. -_-

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[SMALL THOUGHT] Why I Refuse to Cry in a Lot of Occassion

Well, why not?

Ini sebenarnya hanya selenting pikiran yang mampir saat sedang nganggur (baca: ada kerjaan tapi mager). “Kenapa cewek (seperti halnya saya) hobi banget menangis?”

Kalau ditulis demikian, sudah pasti ada cewek-cewek lain di luar sana yang protes: “saya ngga hobi nangis, kok!” Saya juga setuju. Saya juga ngga hobi nangis. Meski mungkin orang berpandangan lain, bagi saya menangis itu sebenarnya agak sia-sia.

Walau begitu, bukan berarti saya ngga pernah menangis. Lebih tepatnya, saya menolak untuk menangis. Bagaimanapun caranya, saya akan berupaya untuk tidak menangis terutama karena masalah hidup, ya (you know, misal gara-gara dimarahin Mamah atau gara-gara dijahatin temen, menurut saya kalau bisa ngga nangis, ya, jangan sampe nangislah).

Agak sia-sia karena ada, sih, yang memang jadi lebih lega dan lebih bisa berpikir jernih setelah menangis. Jadi, menangis ga sepenuhnya sia-sia, kan? Sayangnya, buat saya masih terbilang sia-sia juga.

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Pertama, menangis ngga menyelesaikan masalah. Oke, habis nangis kamu jadi bisa berpikir jernih. FINETapi berapa lama yang kamu habiskan dengan “menangis untuk berpikir jernih” itu tadi? Mendingan buat mikir gimana caranya itu masalah bisa selesai dengan damai tanpa perlu menguras air mata.

Kedua, menangis itu CAPEK. Air mata keluar ngga hanya dari mata aja, tetapi juga meler keluar dari hidung, bahu-membahu dengan ingus kental yang bikin kamu semakin tersengal-sengal. Mau napas jadinya susah, malah megap-megap jelek banget. Dada juga jadi sesak, tubuh berguncang. Kesel banget sampai kepala berdenyut-denyut mau pecah. Seengga ada, tuh, nikmat-nikmatnya menurut saya.

Ketiga, menangis itu menjatuhkan imej kita sebagai cewek kuat. Dan ngga semua cowok tahu bagaimana caranya menenangkan cewek yang menangis. Ngga usah jauh-jauh, temen cewekmu sendiri mungkin juga bakal bingung kalau kamu menangis. Yang ada kamu malah jadinya nyusahin orang lain, kan? Ha.

Oke, mungkin sebagian pikiran yang mampir ini kedengeran sangat reklusif dan menggigit perasaan sensitif orang yang baca. Tapi ini murni cuma pendapat saya tentang menangis. Terutama nangisin cowok, ya… Astaga. Amit-amitlah, pokoknya.

Lalu gimana jika orang tersayang kita meninggal, misalnya? Masa ngga boleh nangis juga. Well, buat saya… mereka meninggal bukan untuk ditangisin, tapi diikhlasin. Ngga baik juga, kan, nangis tersedu-sedan kenceng-kenceng saat kematian? Boleh nangis secara pribadi, di ruang yang tertutup, atau waktu beribadah. Semua orang boleh-boleh saja nangis, cuma ga usah berlebihan dan dipamer-pamerkan bahwa kamu orang paling sengsara di dunia. Plis, deh, gaesssss… -_- (Dan sekali lagi ini semua prinsip saya sendiri, saya ngga memberimu advis untuk melakukan hal yang sama.)

Wistful thinking, wistful thinking. Sayangnya, saya ga bisa menolak untuk menangis kalau lagi baca novel, baca manga, nonton drama, atau nonton film. Walau sudah berupaya untuk tidak menangis, jujur aja saya mudah tersentuh sama pengalaman yang fiksional (anehnya, saya bebal banget sama pengalaman-pengalaman menyakitkan yang benar-benar ada di sekitar saya).

Tak terhitung banyaknya saya menangis sesenggukan gara-gara sepotong kalimat dalam film atau novel. Saya ingat banget ketika dulu nonton sebuah film lawas “Pay It Forward”, saya nangis sampai sesenggukan, sampe handuk basah kuyup, bantal basah kuyup. Cuma gara-gara satu film, itu aja cuma bagian akhir-akhirnya. Giliran kakek saya meninggal, saya dirundung sedih yang jauh lebih dalam tapi ga nangis sama sekali. Pas mau tidur sempat setetes, dua tetes. Tapi, ya, cuma gitu aja. Ini aneh tapi juga sering terjadi di kehidupan saya.

Mungkin ini terjadi karena saya sudah sulit percaya lagi, ya, sama sesama manusia. Hahaha. Kadang yang keluar di media atau yang di depan mata sukanya sekadar imej. Pas tahunya di belakang, ya, ternyata tidak sesuai dengan apa yang ditampilkan. Alhasil, saya jadi semacam “bebal” dengan berbagai berita dan cerita yang saya terima dari orang lain (dan tentu saja media).

Karena terbiasa bebal itu tadi maka saya (yang sebenernya sangat sensitif) jadi ngga baperan (seperti, you-know-him, yang dikit-dikit baper). Namun ketika saya membaca sebuah novel, saya masuk dan meletakkan posisi saya di dalam sepatu tokoh utama. Ya, secara cobaan di dunia fiksi lebih besar dan ga masuk akal ketimbang di dunia (imagine that you are Percy Jackson, which has the worst luck of the world, like srsly) makanya saya kalau nangis atau baper gara-gara cerita suka lebih kenceng. Lagian karakter di cerita fiksi itu in someway relatable dan juga in someway is truer than real people.

So. That’s it for today exceptional rants. Baru selesai baca dari atas sampai bawah. Man, I think something is very wrong with my brain. -_-